i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
