I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
