My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
