I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
