I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
