Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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