the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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