my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
