I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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