If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
