Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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