eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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