Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
