It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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