You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
