i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
