He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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