If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
