Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
