Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
