Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
