Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
