Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She announced her abortion via fbk
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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