Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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