my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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