you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
