2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
