this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
