I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
