Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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