Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
