i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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