Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
