Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
