I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
