I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Let's get the cat blown out
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
