oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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