We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
