3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
