dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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