Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
