dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
