Your tits are I can't wait for
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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