just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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