Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
