Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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