you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
