Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
