thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
