ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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