So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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