She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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