my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
