Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
