mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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